Updated: Nov 30, 2018
"I gained insight in this quiet time on why as women we are so desperate and willing to throw one another under the bus for a partner. "
In my early twenties I made a huge mistake. Very shortly after my girlfriend broke up with a guy she was crazy about, I went on a date with him. Somehow I rationalized it to myself that maybe he was “The One” based on the strong magnetic attraction we both were feeling. As much as I loved my friend, some almost uncontrollable force pushed me into ignoring reason and making this hurtful choice. When I was honest with her and tried to justify my choice, she was beyond hurt and told me to stop “spiritually sugar coating the situation." We did not speak for months, and of course, he was not “The One.” It took years to repair our friendship.
Now the thing about Karma is that she truly is a Bitch. Two of my most significant relationships over the next 15 years ended in either a friend pursuing my man while I was still with him or shortly after we broke up. Being on the other side of the coin was devastating. The pain of the break up doubled by the pain of betrayal by a sister at times made me want to just check out. Losing your partner is a horrible experience but the exponential hurt of knowing that they are now happier with your friend is almost unbearable and unforgivable.
Needless to say, I’ve been on quite the healing journey. At some point you will always end up with every self help book or guru telling you the answer is Forgiveness. So I found myself twice at this wall, not really wanting to forgive because there was some sort of false power in holding onto a grudge, but knowing the spiritual answer was to let go, forgive and move on. Holding onto anger only hurts you and not the other person. Forgiveness doesn’t mean what the other person did was right, it means you are just not willing to hold onto the heaviness of anger anymore.
Rationally I understood this, but my soul kept asking Why? Why as a woman did I sabotage sisterhood for the attention of a man? Why did my friends think so little of me, my feelings and my heart break to throw me under the bus, hop in it with my man and drive right over me off into the sunset?
The last episode of hurt left me reeling. I tried to date and even have sex a couple of times but it all just left me sick inside. This is when I decided to do the other thing all the spiritual books and gurus tell you to do. Be alone for awhile. Learn to love yourself. Become your own best friend. I didn’t really want to do this for a year and a half, but it was the only thing my conscience would let me do. And so during this time I’ve cried… a lot, meditated, done yoga, focused on my kids, grew my business, read, spent time with girlfriends, travelled, spent time in nature, started journalling again, reiki energy healing and I prayed… a lot.
The beautifully wonderful thing is, the books and gurus were right. During this time I have learned to be alone and not feel lonely. I found a connection with God, the Divine, the Universe (or insert Whoever you pray to). I gained insight in this quiet time on why as women we are so desperate and willing to throw one another under the bus for a partner. We have never achieved deep self love and approval. We look outside ourselves for the love of a man (or woman). There are different reasons for this I believe, sometimes due to lack of a good father (mother) figure connection, maybe our first heartbreak or sometimes sadly a sexual trauma. Whatever the root cause, it leaves a void in our soul that we try to fill with a person and we are so desperate to fill it we don’t worry about the consequences.
So my hope in writing this is to bring awareness to women that it is empowering and necessary to seek our own self love and approval first. It is the only way to have truly lasting lover relationships and friendships. When we feel whole and full, we are able to give so much more to all of these relationships. We will experience a deeper level of connection without codependency. We avoid taking from anyone and creating karmic debt. With over 7 billion people living on this Earth, there truly is someone for everyone without having to grasp or steal. So take some time today to show yourself a little love and appreciation… I truly hope this is the beginning of a journey to self healing self love and self respect for you too.